You Know You’re Having A Northern Christmas When….

…all this stuff happens.

(Disclaimer: Christmas being what it is, some of these observations apply nationwide)

1. It’s 9am and you’ve already finished the bumper box of Celebrations.

2. Your best mate is going t’local Indian for Christmas dinner – and you’re a bit jealous.

3. Snacks are provided on an unregulated basis.

4. You are prepared to fight to the death for the purple one in the Quality Street box.

5. You briefly toy with recycling all the discarded Christmas wrapping and then think, sod it, it’s Christmas, normal rules don’t apply. You shove it in the bin.

6. You remove all the wrapping from the bin on Boxing Day and put it in the recycling.

7. You watch Star Wars and wonder why Granada no longer advertises its Christmas Care Line along the bottom of the screen. Damn those digital remastered copies.

8. No one is watching Eastenders.

9. You eat your own body weight in turkey and sprouts but still find room for Christmas Pudding.

10. You vow never to eat again and spend the next two hours filled with self-loathing.

11. It’s 3pm and everyone is sitting in separate rooms, fuming over Dad’s literal interpretation of the Pictionary rules.

12. You vow never to play board games at Christmas again.

13. You watch the Queen’s speech and get a bit tearful, even though you’re an avowed Republican.

14. You realise the house smells of paint and make a mental note to finish that DIY job tomorrow.

15. You watch It’s a Wonderful Life and tell everyone on Facebook that it’s the best film ever made.

16. It’s 9pm and the only booze left in the house is the sherry you bought for Great Aunt Edna. You drink it.

17. You remember there is some turkey and roasties in the fridge. You eat the leftovers meant for Boxing Day.

18. You sign up for a Lean Bootcamp online.

19. It’s midnight and you realise that Christmas Day is over. You feel a bit sad.

20. You pass out on the sofa. The cat finishes your turkey.

By Helen Nugent

Photo by Chris Payne